Engineering Jokes

[table] [tr] [td] Understanding Engineers – One
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when
one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday,
minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike,
threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what
you want.”

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, “Good choice; the
clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you anyway.”

Understanding Engineers – Two
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers – Three
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with
those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!”

The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!”

The priest said, “Here comes the green-keeper. Let’s have a word with him.”

He said, “Hello George, what’s wrong with that group ahead of us?
They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”

The green-keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind firemen.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so
we always let them play for free anytime.”

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer
for them tonight.”

The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist
colleague and see if there’s anything he can do for them.”

The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”

Understanding Engineers – Four
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons

Civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers – Five
The graduate with a science degree asks, “Why does it work?”

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”

The graduate with an arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

Understanding Engineers – Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must
have designed the human body.

One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.”

Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system
has many thousands of electrical connections.”

The last one said, “No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational

Understanding Engineers – Seven Normal people believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers – Eight
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him
and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess, I’ll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want.”

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back
into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a
beautiful princess and that I’ll stay with you for one week and do
anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”

The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that’s cool.”[/td][/tr] [tr] [td] [/td][/tr][/table]

An engineer, a priest and a doctor were all being guillotined for heresy in medieval times.

The doctor was first and the blade stopped inches from his neck, he was freed on the spot as it was taken as a sign from the Gods.

The priest was next and once again the blade stopped and he was freed.

The engineer went next and the blade stopped- the engineer looked at the apparatus and said, “Ah, I see your f***ing problem”.

A male engineer walks up to two female engineers staring up at a flag pole and asks what they are doing. They reply they need to measure the heigth of the flag pole but they do not have a ladder tall enough. The male proceeds to unbolt the flag pole from the ground, lay it down on the ground, pull out a tape measure and reply that the flag pole is exactly 24’ tall. He then bolts it back in the ground and walks away. One of the female engineers says isn’t that just like a male, we need the heigth and he gives us the length.

Engineering vs Math Majors A math and engineering convention was being held. On the train to the convention, there were both math majors and engineering majors. Each of the math majors had his/her own train ticket. But the Engineers had only ONE ticket for all of them. The math majors started laughing and snickering. The engineers ignored the laughter.
Then, one of the engineers said, “Here comes the conductor”. All of the engineers piled into the bathroom. The math majors were puzzled. The conductor came aboard and collected tickets from all the math majors. He went to the bathroom, knocked on the door, and said, “Tickets Please”. An engineer stuck their only ticket under the door. The conductor took the ticket and left. A few minutes later, the engineers emerged from the bathroom. The math majors felt really stupid.
On the way back from the convention, the group of math majors had ONE ticket for their group. They started snickering at the engineers, who had NO tickets amongst them.
When the engineer lookout shouted, “Conductor coming!”, all the engineers again piled into a bathroom. All of the math majors went into another bathroom. Then, before the conductor came on board, one of the engineers left the bathroom, knocked on the other bathroom, and said, “Ticket please.”

Another good one

Christmas in an Engineer’s Mind There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000 th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house.
Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second – 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.
The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousands tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the “flying” reindeer can pull 10 times he normal amount, the job can’t be done with eight or even nine of them—Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).
600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft reentering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.
Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 g’s. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he’s dead now.
Merry Christmas.

A pessimist sees a half full glass as half empty.
An optimist sees the same glass half full.
An engineer sees that glass as twice as large as it needed to be.

Chevy Cobalt, Dodge Neon, Ford Pinto.

Am I doing this right?

[quote=“J Felt, post:8, topic:23643”]Chevy Cobalt, Dodge Neon, Ford Pinto.

Am I doing this right?[/quote]I’ve got a good one… NC State Grads. :smiley:

I have a 2nd cousin getting his Masters at UNC Charlotte in Engineering. He graduated from GT. When he used to work before getting laid off as an Engineer, he said all Engineering job applications & resumes that said Clemson went straight in the trash. :))