HP49er. Are you trying to make us gag?
It worked, stonecold. Pushing the envelope is fun.
clt doesnt like pics of fat girls. more comedy, less fat.
[i]Originally posted by LutzFan[/i]@Mar 30 2005, 10:18 AM [b] [img]http://www.owned.com/Owned_Pictures/ownedbasketball.jpg[/img] [/b]It's great to see the Chin Nuts photo again!
That is, quiet possibly, the best dunk photo of all time.
The 50 worst times to get wood, ThePhatPhree.com
As any man can tell you, the little guy downstairs has a mind of his own. From the time he gains consciousness, at about 13, he often chooses the most inopportune times to fill out. It often has nothing to do with the situation or company you are in, but rather it seems a random bodily function. The best parallel I can think for a woman who has no idea what I am talking about is how a woman sometimes gets cold regardless of the temperature. No one can explain it, it just happens.
So, without further delay. We proudly present the 50 worst times to get wood:
- Getting fitted for a suit Not only would it be embarrassing, but you are gonna screw up the fit of your pants.
- Hosting game show
- During a hernia check
Oh Jesus… I’m not sure what kind of hernia this doctor is checking for, but I hope there is fat doobie at the end of one of those clamps… and not that guy’s wang. - Watching The Vagina Monologues Certainly inappropriate, and given the company you are most certainly in, you might find yourself on the wrong side of lynch mob.
- Riding on the back of a friend’s motorcycle
- Watching porn with a bunch of dudes “just for laughs”
- Right after you get into a traffic accident Try explaining to the cop that it wasn’t your fault with a pop-tent in your pants.
- Spoon feeding your grandmother My god… Who wrote these? I am going go vomit.
- Mile three of the New York Marathon
- While holding a baby
The look on that baby’s face slays me… It’s like he’s seen an intruder from his past. - Watching your dog poop Definitely don’t want to be caught with an engorged member under those circumstances.
- Getting on a Tokyo subway train
- Trapped in an elevator with your boss Would be especially bad if your boss is some desperate older fat woman.
- Dancing with the Bride
- Working as an airport security screener
- Performing the Iron Cross
- Conducting a boys choir
- When you’re on “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” It goes against everything the show is about. It would be chaos!
- While you are at a Baptism
- Buying Girl Scout cookies
- Just before your final summation in a murder trial Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, can I have a moment please…
- During the last ten minutes of “The Passion of the Christ”
- While being rescued on live television
- Working as a Mohel Especially if you are one of those traditional rabbis who draws the blood using their mouth.
- While giving your acceptance speech to the baseball hall of fame
- At a feminist rally Whoa… That’s like wearing a KKK hood to the Source Awards
- When you meet your girlfriend’s best friend
- Cooking hotdogs at the nudist camp, drunk There are a lot things that can go bad here. Burning your lunch is a best case scenario.
- When you would snap the neck of a fan
- Administering heimlich maneuver
- Running your German short-hair around the ring at the Westminster Dog Show
- While reading Boy’s Life Quite frankly, reading Boy’s Life under any circumstances is pretty creepy.
- While titty f*cking Teri Hatcher
- While eating a banana
- While singing in a barbershop quartet
- While performing your first open heart surgery Doctor, your penis is distending the left ventricle.
- Stage twelve of the tour de France
- Hour two of your eight hour Santa shift at the mall “What do you want for Christmas young lady?” “I want you to take that packet of Certs out of your pocket Santa.”
- While going through a small revolving door with your Uncle
- While a dog is licking peanut butter off of your scrotum
- Judging the 10 and under hot dog eating contest
- Getting a root canal
- While performing the final act of Godspell
- While giving a friend’s eulogy “Bob was a great guy. We had a lot of fun times together…”
- When you’re watching a show about John Wayne Gacy and Bill Kurtis is describing his “rope trick.”
- While Watching a Documentary about the Holocaust
- During “Venereal Disease Day” in Health class As an 8th grader this is your first real test of sexual control. I mean those are photos of real vaginas…
- Watching a commercial for the African Children’s Fund
- Just before you get caught watching a beheading video on the Internet at work
Thank God this is over…
The look on the guys face to the right is classic! It’s like, “Dayamn boy, just take a gun and shoot your sorry a$$! You can’t go on living after a teabagging like that!”
Equal time for our women posters at NinerNation.net…
The Art of the One Night Stand, ThePhatPhree.com
Ah, the one night stand. It’s a classic performance played out by oversexed, intoxicated people who “never do this sort of thing” worldwide. To some, it’s a “one night stand,” to others it’s merely “hooking up” but whatever your phrase du jour, gettin’ busy with a stranger is strange business.
Think getting that zipper down was tough? Just wait for the morning after.
So in honor of all you little virginal creatures with the strong moral background, we have compiled the top ten rules governing the art of the one night stand.
Rule # 1: Waking up the male in full make-up, with breakfast in bed and a “good morning, honey” is not thoughtful, but psycho.
Rule # 2: Passing him the phone and telling him to “Say hi to mom” is never a good idea.
Rule # 3: You may feel guilty, but keep the Rosary and prayers for forgiveness for after he leaves.
Rule # 4: Don’t tell him you “never do this” because you just did. Don’t ask him what he thinks of you because he thinks you’ve done it before. You think the same thing of him, don’t you? Just do it one more time, leave his place and meet your friends for brunch.
Rule #5: Don’t share dessert and expect dinner. One night stands are fun and saucy, but chances are, you won’t be meeting grandma.
Rule # 6: Under no circumstances should anyone utter the following phrases “Isn’t Janice the cutest baby name?” “I love you,” or “hold me.”
Rule # 7: If the man is going commando, try not to judge. If you are the one going commando, well, you already know more than we do on this subject.
Rule # 8: If the visiting party is not taking your subtle “wow, it’s already 8:00AM!” hints, all becomes fair game. This includes pulling out a diaper, lying on the bed and telling them you’re ready for a “change”.
Rule #9: Don’t play the cat and mouse game right before the hookup. Trying to act like Mother Theresa in your skivvies is about as convincing as OJ and that glove.
Rule #10: Don’t worry about him calling and don’t hold back, just get yours and call him --whatever you want—you naughty minx.
A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous blonde eating at the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but lacked the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of its socket towards the man. With lightning quick reflexes, he caught it in mid-air.
‘‘Oh my gosh, I am so sorry,’’ she said as she popped her eye back in the socket. ‘‘Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.’’
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invited him back to her place for a drink. They went back to her house and had wild, passionate sex several times during the night. The next morning when he awoke, she had already gotten up and brought him breakfast in bed.
The guy was amazed and said ‘‘You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?’’
‘‘No, she replied…You just happened to catch my eye!’’
[i]Originally posted by SilvioDante[/i]@Mar 30 2005, 02:06 PM [b] [img]http://www.biology.clc.uc.edu/Fankhauser/Labs/Microbiology/Meat_Milk/mt01_meat_protocol_P7261202.jpg[/img] [/b]
Teaching serial dilutions to Microbiology students was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. I don’t know why people just can’t comprehend orders of 10.
The following is supposedly an actual question given
on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The
answer by one student was so “profound” that the
professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet,
which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of
enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or
endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs
using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats
when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is
changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which
souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they
are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that
o! nce a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at
the different Religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a
member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since
there is more than one of these religions and since
people do not belong to more than one religion, we can
project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect
the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in
Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the
volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls
are added.
This gives two possibilities:
-
If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate
at which souls! enter Hell, then the temperature and
pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks
loose. -
If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and
pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa
during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day
in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account
the fact that I slept with her last night, then number
2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is
exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has
frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any
more souls and is therefore, extinct…leaving only
Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being
which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting
"Oh my God."
THIS STUDE! NT RECEIVED THE ONLY “A”
That’s golden.
An englishman, a frenchman and an italian are shipwecked on an island inhabited by cannibals.
The chieftain stands before them with eating utensils in his hands and says to the Englishman, “We’re going to skin you alive and make a canoe out of your skin. What do you have to say about that?”
The englishman grabs the knife out of the chieftan’s hand and stabs himself in the heart as he shouts, “God save the Queen!”
The chieftain says to the frenchman, “We’re going to skin you alive and make a canoe out of your skin.”
The frenchman snatches the knife from the englishman’s chest and slits his throat as he shouts “Vive le France!”
The chieftain says to the italian, “We’re going to skin you alive and make a canoe out of your skin.”
The italian snatches the fork out of the chieftan’s other hand and starts stabbing himself all over his body.
The chieftain asks, “What are you doing?”
The italian replies, “I’ma gonna f@cka upa your canoe!”
G W goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.
“I don’t know what to do,” says the devil. “You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got some folks here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves.” George thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room.
In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No, George says. “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer and I don’t think I could do that all day long.”
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. “No, I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,” commented George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms and legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush stares in disbelief and says, “Hell yea, I can handle this for eternity.” The devil smiled and said “OK, Monica, you’re free to go.”